I'm leaving

I wrote this three days ago, but for some reason I haven't been able to post it.

I'm actually kind of a mess about this, but I think it is for the best. The whole haloscan issue changed the history of this blog irrevocably anyway. I have decided not to delete this blog, though. I want it here for me, if for no other reason. There are things that I said, and ways that I said them, that really capture the spirit of who I was and what I was doing at the time, even if I don't have the benefit of your gracious and caring (and sometimes challenging) comments anymore. In particular, strange as it may seem, I'm especially sad to leave the December 2004 saga that chronicled the pain I felt, and the support you gave, during that painful time when my husband was in China and I learned that marriage was in serious trouble. Those were the 3 or 4 worst months of my life by far, and you were there with me to help me process and to lift me up. (I kind of want to link back to that first post, but without the comments it really sounds more pathetic than it was. That post alone had something like 50 comments.) I could talk to you in a way that I couldn't talk to other people. I could share details, and intense emotion, and process out loud. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had all of you during that period. I feel similarly sentimental about my early days of motherhood and your interest in and support for my new family.

I'm in mourning leaving AAYOR, but I'm hoping to take the best parts with me to a new place. This is in keeping with my hopes for 2010 and beyond: finding and embracing the me that I am now while still honoring the earlier versions of myself. (That sounds less schizophrenic in my head than it does on screen.)

If you want to come, please redirect your feed readers to:

http://signofthewolf.wordpress.com

With the help of renewed interest, and a handy iphone app from wordpress, I'm hoping to make blogging more central to my journey these days.

And for your investment in AAYOR, and in my life, thank you.

Holiday

I've been off since the 19th and won't go back until the 5th. This is the longest break that I have all year, and the longest stretch of consecutive days that I have with my children all year.

I'm having a painfully mixed bag of a time this holiday. Last week the little boys and I did a lot of Christmas prep during the day, mostly cooking and baking and cleaning. During the evenings, Spouse and I wrapped gifts and assembled various gifts (e.g. To got a kitchen... it took 2.5 hours to put the fucking thing together!) The days and evenings were busy and felt a little rushed but it was still good to be home and good to be together. Christmas Eve, from about 4 on, was wonderful (FIL's flight was canceled so it was dicey for a while but he made it onto another flight and arrived only an hour later than originally planned.) We had a very traditional southern Italian Xmas eve dinner (many, many fishes) and lots of wine. It was very all very merry. Of course, I regretted that last glass of wine when To woke up at 12:30, inconsolable, and ended up sleeping with me, horizontally of course, but only after being WIDE AWAKE and singing "ABC" and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and "Rain Rain Go Away" until nearly 3am. (Part of it was the novelty of sleeping with mama. This is only the 2nd time in 12 months that I've brought him into bed with me, both times because he was so hysterical that I couldn't think of anything else to do to calm him. Spouse ended up sleeping in the boys' room so that Bug wouldn't sneak out and open presents before we even woke up.) Christmas day brought lots and lots of stuff and things. I was overwhelmed, actually, by the sheer volume of stuff that I had to open. (Among my favorites were an enamel over cast iron dutch oven, Mr Bento, these shoes in burgandy, and the scrabble onyx edition.) We've had a lot of downtime since, lots of time playing with new toys. We rearranged (and purged) the game room/playroom/family room so that we could accommodate their new stuff--a good thing.

Throughout the break my mood has been so uneven. I'm happy to be home, for sure, and I'm thrilled to be with the kids and so happy that Spouse was able to take vacation, too. But I'm also feeling really stressed out and easily annoyed. Bug is getting bored, and has become increasingly needy. He wants someone to play with him, or get him something, or show him something, or feed him something, or reach him something, or put something together, or tie something to something else, or make To stop it, or make E and V stop it, or button his pants, or tie his shoes, or "mommy the track came apart AGAIN. I need you to fix it NOW." Meanwhile, To is so very 2. He spends most of his day trying to figure out how to climb on things, like the stove. Or work the coffee machine. Or jump from the back of the couch to the kitchen table. Or roll a dumptruck down the steps. Or knock train track apart. Or racetrack. Or whatever else his brother is playing with. Or, 'You're cooking? HOLD ME!" "You're going to the bathroom? HOLD ME!" "You're talking to grandma on the phone? HOLD ME!" "You're trying not to cry? HOLD ME!"

I love them so much that it literally hurts. I have fun with them when we play with the new kitchen or the race track, or god help me, the trains. I like to paint. Making dough ornaments was my idea. I let them make a huge mess just so that we can bake together. I try to let go of other things like laundry and cleaning until they are in bed or otherwise engaged so that I'm not constantly telling them to buzz off. And yet... and yet I feel like I want to jump out a window about 40% of the time. And I feel heaping amounts of guilt because I'm not happy all of the time and I do blow them off sometimes, and I do snap when they ask me 50 times for a drink of orange juice.

1. This is not our normal routine. The boys have pretty structured days at school and lord knows I do. I'm not good at giving structure to our time at home, in part because I want our time to be relaxed and easy. I do preview for them when we have some things that we have to/want to do (like, "Ok, dudes. We're going to have some breakfast and then get dressed so we can go to the store and get dog food.") and I do give them warnings when we're about to change activities ("We have about 5 minutes left in the bath and then we have to get ready for bed.), yadda yadda. But that's about the extent of our "structure."
2. I don't have a wide repertoire of preschooler behavior management techniques. Blame it on working motherhood, my own ineptitude, their nearly immaculate records... whatever... I'm just not great at handling them sometimes. For example, Bug stopped napping at home about 6 or 8 months ago, so he usually melts down around 4 and is prone to meltdowns and freakouts from then until bedtime. (He still naps at school so weekdays are fine.) I SUCK at dealing. I offer options for stuff to do to keep him from getting bored, but I don't always want to sit and do them all with him. I try to use time outs sparingly and get really upset when he screams during time out or stops listening altogether. And the worst of the worst for me is WHINING. I cannot stand whining. I have such a visceral reaction to it it is like there is a whining nerve wired throughout my body and it fires every time I hear one of them whining. And I'm BAD at reacting (and worse at not-reacting) to it.
3. I haven't had a day off without children in... ... I can't even remember. Not even a sick day since To decided to get sick, too, the last time I stayed home with a fever. It has been at least a year since I've had a day off without children. The schedule that I follow at work synchs with their school calendar. This is very important because we can't afford the million dollar preschool tuition AND a babysitter on days that school is closed. But it also means that

Awesome. Well, I was typing this while Spouse took Bug to see The Princess and the Frog so that I could have an hour or so alone while To napped but I guess it was too scary for Bug (something about a voodoo guy?) and they're back. Maybe I'll finish it later.

Happy Christmas,Eve Lovlies.

I'm working on XE dinner: baccala salad, cod and potato stew, linguine with tuna sauce, shrimp cocktail, stuffed mushrooms, etc. etc. These are the dishes of my husband's family and we make them to protect the traditions. And we're the only ones who do, apparently, so that makes it even more important in our minds. His Sicilian ancestors would be so proud.

My father in law is on his way. I'm using his mother's recipes so I'm actually a little nervous. When Spouse and I do XE alone, we improvise a little but I'm trying to stay true. There is at least one thing that he can complain about: I used fresh cod instead of salted. But I'm prepared to defend my choice with a hearty, "Couldn't locate it!" We did find the oil-cured olives. And the bread. And the nuts. We're still working on the right figs.

I don't mind the work, or the money (wow this crap is expensive!). I just hope that he truly enjoys all of it. I want him to feel welcome and honored. We don't get along especially well--I don't think that he likes me AT ALL--but I"m making a genuine effort. I'm a little nervous about it all.

Merry Christmas Eve to those who celebrate. This is one of my favorite nights of the year. To To is awake (an hour early! crap!) so I'd better finish this martini, turn down the sauce, and go up and get him.